1. Newspaper is not wrapping paper. Neither is a plastic bag. Neither is hiding the gift behind your back.
2. When you must give gifts: anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas/Hanukkah.
When she would also like you to give gifts: Arbor Day, Flag Day, Independence Day
3. Flowers are not gifts. They're a garnish.
4. If you are going to buy said garnishes: roses minus the baby's breath, monochromatic tulips, orchids on the stems, eremuri, calla lilies in colors.
5. Practical gifts are a federal offense. You are better off giving a single leg warmer than any of the following: coffeemaker, paper shredder, vacuum cleaner, computer, fancy pen, smoke alarm, or forklift.
6. If you don't trust your taste, buy her a service: a massage, facial, or mani-pedi. Prepay the tip.
7. If you must buy your girlfriend a dress or skirt, you shall not supersize. Size down, not up. Banana Republic's size 2 is really more like a size 6 these days.
8. Giver can never go wrong with cashmere.
(Esquire)
Ladies, feel free to print this up and post it on the refrigerator.
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