Survive her wedding

How to Survive Your Best Friend's Wedding
By Diane Vadino

Your best friend's wedding: Just because it's the happiest day of her life doesn't mean it has to be the happiest day of yours. Don't be disturbed if, mixed with all that genuine excitement, you feel just the subtlest, quietest tinges of, well, take your pick: jealousy? Loneliness? Anxiety?

When my best friend got married a few years ago, I experienced every one of those emotions—plus, let's see, depression, terror, and confusion. None of that meant I didn't love my best friend—I did, and I do; I just wasn't quite prepared to give up so much of her time and attention. (I forgive her other commitments; she forgives my neuroses and selfishness.)

Obviously there are loads of women who can handle their best friend's wedding without a smidgen of self-doubt or soul-searching. For the rest—and, I would argue, the majority—of us, there are a few ways to navigate these uncharted, rose petal-strewn waters.

Don't feel guilty
Few things dominate a conversation like plans for an upcoming wedding. If you're feeling like your hopes, dreams, anxieties and crushes—more or less the substance of your discussions for as long as you've known each other—will suddenly take second (or third, or fourth) place to wedding deejays and gift registries, you're probably right. The unfortunate truth: You will get less of her attention. You will be required to care, deeply and endlessly, about the shade and silhouette of the bridesmaids' dresses—which, inevitably, will suit none of the bridesmaids. And you will be asked to do all of this with a smile on your face. Of course, because you're her best friend, you're going to do it all—but don't beat yourself up if that smile is just the teensiest bit forced. A wedding is one of life's more demanding endeavors, and it's natural to feel a bit put out by unexpected responsibilities, especially as your best friend—your rock—is likely less emotionally available than ever before. It doesn't make you a love-hating, anti-wedding monster—just human.

Resist the urge to romanticize
Yes, weddings are wonderful, life-defining events—but a lot of hard work goes into making that fairy tale come true, even for just a few hours. There are two sides to that coin: Expect a certain level of stress and irritability on your best friend's behalf—perhaps in an amount that's inversely proportional to how much work she anticipated in the beginning. At the same time, don't wander into the same trap yourself: An expensively decorated reception hall is hardly a guarantee of a lifetime of happiness. She isn't buying a one-way ticket on the express train to bliss, while you loiter around Lonelyville: Marriages are work. And just because your best friend has decided that marriage is right for her, it's certainly not a one-size-fits-all cure for the occasional Friday night spent doing laundry.

Don't take it out on him—either of them
In a perfect world, you'll already feel like your best friend's fiancé is part of your extended family. If not, hopefully your issues with him are relatively superficial: Chances are, he's as in awe of the wedding machine as you are, which could, happily, find you in the unlikely similar position of keeping your best friend—and his fiancée—solidly grounded. The big question, of course, is how to handle reservations that go beyond garden-variety gripes: If you feel like he's in a position to deliver real pain, either physical or emotional, you owe it to your friend to suck it up and speak your mind. It might not be pretty, but there's more to being a best friend than splitting two halves of a BFF necklace.

Meanwhile, if you're seeing someone but not quite at the ring-shopping stage, resist the urge to start unfairly contrasting the two relationships. While a certain amount of self-aware stock-taking is good for the soul, the run-up to a wedding is an emotionally charged time, and it's unfair to everyone to start demanding—either of yourself or of him—proof that he's the one. Take advantage of him as a refuge, an island of calm. But don't catch wedding fever and then submit your man to an unexpected—and probably unfair—sizing-up.

If you're single ...
The world is your oyster. While marriage offers myriad benefits, so can the single life—the excitement and endless possibility of where life could take you next. A dear friend's wedding can stir up all kinds of submerged emotions—and, crucially, a sense that life is, indeed, moving forward, whether you're ready for it or not. There are few better times to honestly ask yourself if you're content to continue on your current path—and if not, how best to change it. Always dreamed of moving to Africa? Opening a restaurant? Buying an apartment? None of those require a life partner—and personally, I've consistently witnessed an amazing synergy: When even longtime single people pursue their most deeply held ambitions, their excitement and confidence is palpable—especially to potential paramours.

Enjoy it
Fingers crossed, your best friend is only going to get married once—and while it may feel like the world's gone all topsy-turvy, have faith that it'll straighten out soon enough. She deserves her time in the spotlight, even if you're looking forward to quieter days, when the topics of conversation can be, once more, evenly divided. Just remember: More likely than not, she'll get her chance to return the favor, after you've taken all possible opportunities to wring every last bit of fun out of pre-wedding life. As for my best friend, she'll be repeating her vows next month, and though it took a bit of practice (and several years' worth of perspective), I'll be there to support her—at last, with a completely genuine smile on my face.