How to say "No"

While it's easy to say no when it comes to extended warranties and 6 a.m. sex, most women would much rather rapid-fire a yes to any question they're asked.
Yes, you'll take on more work. Yes, you'll meet your mother-in-law for coffee. Yes, you'll feed your neighbor's cat for a week. Yes, yes, sure, of course, yes. "Women like saying, 'Look, I can do these 14 jobs and take the laundry to the river on my head. Aren't I amazing?'" says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Pitch Like A Girl: How a Woman Can Be Herself And Still Succeed.

The trick to saying no — to the people who most want your yes — is not only in what you say, but also in how you say it.

Say No To: Your kids
How: Simple repetition
According to Ann Pleshette Murphy, author of The Seven Stages of Motherhood, parents often make the mistake of speaking in a calm, grown-up voice when their kids lose control. "It's better to match their intensity as a way of communicating that you understand how upset they are. Your voice should sound pitiably sad, not stern and cold. And your words should be simple and repetitive: "I know you want those chips. You want them now, but you can't have them until after dinner." The discipline is good for them. "You're actually teaching your child to delay gratification and to master tough emotions like anger and frustration," says Pleshette Murphy. "Especially if your approach is, 'I know you're upset, but I know you can handle it.'"

Say No To: Your man
How: Agree with him — at first
He wants you to meet his parents; you think it's premature. If you reject him outright, you'll probably start one helluva fight. Soften the blow: "I'd love to have dinner with them. But let's do it after we've dated a few more months." That way, you'll have agreed with him initially. "You ensure that he understands you're not rejecting the idea because it's his," says Suzanne Zoglio, Ph.D, author of Recharge in Minutes.

Say No To: Your boss
How: Respond with questions, not answers
The next time your boss asks you to restructure the office tech system — by tomorrow morning — figure out what you can do, and then outline the plan: "Are you more concerned about the budget or the deadline?" Wrap up your solution by asking a question that leaves the ball in her court: "Does that make sense?" You won't have said no, but you'll also have set the parameters for how the project should go. "Help get the boss what she wants" without being a naysayer, says Steven McCreedy, the national accounts manager for the Brooks Group.

Appeared in the February/March 2005 issue of Women's Health